“When pain is to be born, a little courage helps more than much knowledge,
a little human sympathy more than much courage,
and the least tincture of the love of God more than all.”
-C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain
She was serious but full of compassion as she read over the lab work. I was tired. In all honesty most of me lay dormant inside, unable to be roused since the twins died. Now, when we talked of Ashley and Bethany, they were referenced to simply as “the twins.” But they weren’t talked of much now, the time for polite grief long gone, and life must move on. The battles for, and adoptions of, our four beautiful daughters had long been finalized and all our energy must be poured into life with them…
“Your liver is beginning to fail.”
The words seemed to hold in mid air for a while. She looked at me trying to ascertain if I comprehended the gravity of the situation.
I left her office and sat it my car. Failure. Me. Age 31. Was this how my life would come to a close? A slow, painful death of my own creating? 311 pounds–the weight I had eaten myself up to since burying the twins. It was threatening to bury me when all I was trying to do was bury all the hard feelings. I had always struggled with my weight but this was more, so much more. I had a problem, or a million problems. But did I care?
I cried an ugly cry. The snot pouring out of your nose, eyes red enough to stop traffic, blubbering, smack-the-steering-wheel-multiple-times sorta cry. And when I was done and my eyes were firmly swollen to puffy little slits, the stillness spoke– Do you want to get well? He didn’t ask because he didn’t know, He asked for my benefit. Yes, yes I guess I did. A fire began inside me in that moment. And then, the birth of the most forbidden dream of all was whispered into my heart…
Pregnancy. Try again. What?
I could not contain the laughter or the tears. Seriously God? Is it time to go admit myself into the mental ward because HELLO, look at me. My name is failure. I began to list off every single detail that must be overcome for me to even TRY to become a mom again: the weight, my various health issues, the doctors response after losing the twins, the money, and on and on.
I pointed to the mountain and I dared God to move it!
I say dared because I had an attitude about it all that would make most faithfully obedient believers blush. I didn’t doubt that he could, my attitude came with the “would he” part and the “trusting” part. But God…was bigger than all the feelings I had tried to eat away, and he was bigger than my terror.
Sitting there, 100 percent a mess, certain I was broken beyond repair, truly terrified of what lie ahead, God met me and he breathed new life.
I love how He meets us right where we are, just as we are.
He had me in his hands the whole time. When I could not see, He could, and he carried me on to dreams that I was not bold enough to dream. He carried me through my fears one step at a time–just one step at a time. Trusting Him is the best part and the hardest part. But you know what?
He moved that huge mountain! He overcame every obstacle. And the delivery of that beautiful dream came wrapped up as a gorgeous baby girl in July of 2015–14 years after first being told we were infertile.
Today, I need to remember that He is a God that can move mountains. Here I am again, facing a huge mountain and daring God to move it.
What mountain are you facing today?