Crystal Coates

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  • Miscarriage, Missteps, and Rising Up to Fight Again
    “Where is the flicker of the heartbeat? Why can’t I see the flicker?” It felt like everything went into slow motion and all I could think was, “not again, we can’t have lost another baby!” The screen showed the chalky … Continue reading → […]
  • Love and Surrender
    I stood in front of the mirror, scanned my reflection, and sighed deeply as my shoulders dropped. My flesh tells a story of chapters I find myself longing to rewrite. It is not the signs of age, child bearing, or … Continue reading → […]
  • The Weight of a “Happy Birthday”
    Each year on this day I have a dialogue in my head about the child who feels like she’s dead… It all started with a phone call. “We have an immediate need for a placement of two sisters, 13 and … Continue reading → […]
  • A Picture of Infertility
    A picture may be worth a thousand words, but the depth of meaning is always in the backstory, the one no single image can ever convey. An image tempts the viewer to fill in the narrative with all of their … Continue reading → […]
  • Grief and Rainbows
    I should be holding you in my arms this week… One thought, stuck on repeat. A deep ache seems to pound in my flesh; my body hasn’t forgotten. It seems to know at a cellular level that a baby was … Continue reading → […]
  • Surrender
    It is 4:15 a.m. and I can’t seem to find my friend called sleep. My mind spins and turns and frantically but methodically tries to comprehend all that is unfolding in this season. The house has a steady white noise … Continue reading → […]
  • Death, Focus and Finding Beauty
    14 years ago I laid in a hospital bed being pumped full of heavy duty antibiotics, an oxygen mask snuggly fitted to my face and a stout, demanding nurse seated at the head of my bed who routinely refitted the … Continue reading → […]
  • What About the Least of These?
    Maybe I have read too much over the last few days regarding all that is pouring forth on my 4×2 inch cell phone screen, or maybe you will think I have read too little but there is just so much … Continue reading → […]
  • Get Back Up
    I believe I first began to use food to “self-sooth” somewhere about age 5. I can remember shuttling away to my bedroom with a box of chocolate hostess cupcakes, certain I had just become a master thief complete with a … Continue reading → […]
  • Honor and Lung Cancer
    My Dearest Mom and Dad, I know you remember this moment, you dreamt of it long after you let all of your own dreams die. YOUR child, a COLLEGE graduate and the first one in our family. Your expressions say … Continue reading → […]

Recent Posts

  • Miscarriage, Missteps, and Rising Up to Fight Again
  • Love and Surrender
  • The Weight of a “Happy Birthday”
  • A Picture of Infertility
  • Grief and Rainbows

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